I’ve never felt at home in this dimension.
I always knew there was something else and felt that, if I just held my mind in the right way, I’d connect with the universe and “real” life would begin.
I was three years old when I expected the big “happening” during a ferry ride to a nearby island. It didn’t come. I was deeply disappointed and felt that life had passed me by.
I never spoke to anyone about this until now. I have just found the words. And I thought that no-one would understand or they would make me feel spiritually "dirty". Other people seem so at home in this dimension – getting married, having children and careers. I’ve never understood how they did it. I want to scream: “How can you be so comfortable and normal? This isn’t real life! Everything and everyone are just ‘Mickey Mouse’ – your religions, institutions and marriages.”
I still think this way but life has brought a series of small “enlightenments” instead of the single big one I had anticipated as a child.
Normally, these gems of awareness have come about through difficult life experiences – times of rejection, pain, loss and confusion – what many people would describe as “negative”. But these gems have been far more precious to me than the things I had been clinging to.
I don’t have a “philosophy” of non-attachment. I think that is foolish. Letting go just happens. When the object of desire is unattainable, there is pain, struggle and turmoil as the brain continues to grasp for satisfaction. It devises all sorts of ways to try to get what it wants and doesn’t want to accept that “the door has been closed”.
But there comes a point where magic happens. An awareness sinks in that the brain’s activity has become like a stuck record. Seeing the whole process of desire as it is, without rationalisation or the need for fulfilment, understanding comes. Then desire with all its turmoil simply falls away. Choice plays no part.
Another major turning point in my life came unexpectedly with such simplicity, without fanfare. Walking back to the office after lunch, a workmate said, as we were passing a garden: “I love daisies”. Those three words changed my life in a huge way – my essence, who I am. You might say it was the moment the penny dropped.
My initial reaction was to squirm inside. I felt like spitting out the words: “Daisies! They’re just a common flower!” But something stopped me. I heard her honest words, saw her joyful face and looked at the daisies. They were white with dark centres and I was touched by their simple, elegant beauty. The “commonness” existed only inside my dull, ugly brain. We walked on in silence, but I had been transformed ... forever.
I could go on and on, but I will stop here. I hope I have communicated at least some of where I’ve come from and who I am today.